Journal entry: October 12, 2016
“I don’t want to be here anymore.
I’ve made the date.
I’m going to kill myself on the 17th.”
As I read these words, the very ones that I wrote one year ago, I can physically feel agony that I was in. I was planning the end to a life that I believed would never get any better. I remember feeling the urge to end it all right there in that moment. I held my broken body tight trying to muster up the courage to make it through the next five days. On the 15th, I was traveling to Montreal with my parents. I knew I couldn’t do it before then; if I died, they wouldn’t go and they deserved to go. So, I decided it’d do it after. I didn’t have anything else to look forward to, and it had to be done before I celebrated another birthday on the 22nd. With all of these thoughts flooding my mind, I barely got any sleep that night.
Fast-forward to October 12, 2017
No longer hopeless, but hopeful.
No longer broken, but whole.
No longer suicidal, but alive.
Some of you may be wondering… How? How did she overcome the desire and longing to end her own life? How did she feel alive again?
Well, it was a monstrous mountain. It was heavy; it was rocky, but it was not impossible.
In January 2017, after months of self-harm and the on and off desire to end my own life, I received the diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. These labels, which may frighten some, actually filled in the missing pieces. My thoughts, feelings and behaviours began to make sense. Now, it was time to fight my demons and take back my life.
I stopped drinking alcohol on January 16th. I’ve been sober for 271 days (and counting).
I began Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) in February.
I have been self-harm free since February.
I began focusing on my love of yoga and mindfulness.
I practiced letting go.. of everything in life, even my thoughts.
I rid myself of toxicity and negative influences.
I began Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PE) in May.
PE allowed me to face the abuse and torment I experienced. I was able to let go of the fear and anger I felt towards my abuser.
I learned to radically accepted (but not condone) the traumas of my past.
I completed 6 months of DBT in August. I have learned how to appropriately deal with my [often] abrupt emotions. I have found a sense of calmness in the present.
I have learned to challenge my distorted thoughts which, in turn, has diminished them.
I have learned the importance of self-love, self-care and self-acceptance.
I no longer ruminate over the past or worry about the future. I have fallen in love with my present life.
I understand that some days will be hard, but there is nothing that I can’t handle.
I have found peace and purity.
For those of you who may be deeply struggling, please know that it does get better. This is not the generic cliche, but the voice of someone who has reached rock bottom many times since the age of 12. It will always get better, but we can’t sit back and wait for it to happen. We have to do what we can and ask for help from others. It is possible to gain control over our lives again – but we have to take the first step. We can all experience what it means to feel alive. And we all deserve that.